Appraisals

Can’t believe the last thing I wrote something was back at Easter. That’s really bad. But I did come back to the UK at the end of April, so hopefully I’m forgiven. Ok, that’s a lame excuse I know. Then let’s just say I’m rubbish J

At the moment I’m on the bus back to Renk, having been in Khartoum for a couple of days at the North Sudan Programme Management Meeting…which is basically a get together of the all the heads of the different departments and programmes in North Sudan. So all the AC’s were there from Darfur, and the HR, Finance and Logistics Managers, and of course the Programme Director and Deputy Programme Director. We discussed issues that have been raised at previous meetings, health & safety/security (yep, it comes up in all meetings across the world!), staff, how we can improve the impact Tearfund has in North Sudan etc. It was the first meeting I’d attended and was good to be part of it as often – to meet the guys from Darfur and just generally feel more part of the Tearfund programme.

It was a good couple of days; I learnt a lot and got to know the team better – hopefully I will stop standing in the corner so much, too shy to talk to anyone because I don’t know people.

Ok, I’m not one for being quite so open, but for some reason I feel I should send this out…maybe I’m wrong to and I’m the only one who feels like this, but hey…I’m only embarrassing myself so here goes…just promise not to shun me next time you see me :o)

One of the key things that struck me at yesterday’s meeting was what it actually means to be a Christian leader, especially here in Sudan – although technically it shouldn’t matter where you are. The way I do my job and live my life out here must be outliving the characteristics of Jesus. Often, being the only Khawaja is difficult - it means that nothing you do goes unnoticed, either at work, or simply going for a walk – let alone going for a run – yes, I actually built up the guts to go for a run. I know, poor people in Renk! Anyway, it made me realise how important it is just to be a good Christian witness. That in EVERYTHING I do, I am representing Christ. In the way I work with my staff, spend time with friends and interact with the community. My aim should be to emanate the leadership qualities Jesus had in all that I do.

This struck me more when I thought about our appraisals, which will take place at some point soon (oh dear, stress!!). Not only will I be appraised on the quality of my work, but also on my characteristics as a Christian leader. Both my line manager and staff will have a role to play in appraising me. Being assessed (was going to say ‘judged’, but seems less scary to say ‘assessed’) on the quality of the work I do is normal in way, as it’s what I’m used to back in the UK…not that I enjoy them though! But being evaluated as to what my leadership qualities are as a Christian is something I’ve never experienced before. This will be the side of my appraisal that will scare me the most. To me, this is the most important aspect of my job. Yet why should it be such a big deal to me? Isn’t it something that I should continually be doing to myself? Why should it be any different here then in the UK, just because I’m working for a Christian organisation. I should always be thinking, is this right for me to do as a Christian? How will this action be viewed by the community around me? Knowing I’m a Christian, how will my staff view me if I act in this way? Ultimately, what the people around me think of me is a reflection on how they will see Jesus Christ.

Yet, because I work for a Christian organisation, I AM appraised on my Christian leadership. This shouldn’t be important though, Christ is my supreme appraiser! It shouldn’t take an appraisal with my manager and staff to make me think about what I’m doing and the consequences of my actions. It should be being the sort of leader Christ wants to be, and Christ expects me to be that should be important to me.

So, although wasn’t that ecstatic about coming to Khartoum this week (don’t take it personally!) as I felt I had too much work, spiritually it was vital. In all that I do here in Sudan, the most important thing is to live a life that reflects Christ. As one of the guys at the meeting said afterwards (well, can’t remember exactly what he said, but words to this effect), even if everything seems to be going wrong, remember that can be here just as a witness. I think I’ve often neglected this aspect of the job. It’s so easy to get caught up in the business of the day job, that you (well, I do), lose sight of what is really important. It is good sometimes to remember that no matter how rubbish or good I’m feeling about my work and everything, that I am also simply here as a Christian.

This is vital, and I think I lose sight of the bigger and more important spiritual picture far too often.